A Summer In My Dreams
Can you rewrite memories? Ive wondered this a lot lately.
It stems from the unavoidable pain of reliving moments that once were, that no longer are. Example, my love for Montauk, arguably my favorite place in the world. Usually, it brings moments of sheer joy, but, lately, not without moments of heart shattering sadness. I am unable to visit the beach on Old Montauk Highway, Johns Ice Cream, or the Harvest without strong flashes of my old life right before my eyes. The memories are vivid, and the happiness is palpable. And then reality strikes, this is not my reality anymore. What once was, no longer is. The intersection between what I loved then, and what I still want to love now are in constant battle, they lead me back to the whys? Why would my parents be afflicted at such young ages with such unforgiving brain disease? Why would our family be chosen to walk this path?
I could ask these why questions forever, but they will likely never be answered.
This flooding of memory affects me in more than one place, and im constantly battling my mind to live in the now, not the then.
My husband really enjoys Long Island life, and sometimes asks me if I would move there. He jokes that Port Washington is different than where I grew up, but close enough that I can always go home and visit. I tirelessly try to explain that each visit to my parents home takes a tremendous chunk out of my mind and soul. Sometimes I forget my reality, thats probably how Ive survived, and even thrived in these last 14 years. I do not live everyday reminded of my moms 14 year battle with Alzheimers, I do not see it day in and day out, and for my sanity that is a blessing. Over the years I am rather immune to my moms condition, but if youve been here for over the last few months you know my dads condition has hit my like a ton of bricks. I still look at myself in the mirror on a weekly basis and say really? My dad? I cant call my dad anymore? He doesn't have a phone? He doesn't call me? His flatiron office which was once my "safe" place in NYC is no longer his? He is no longer an attorney? I have still failed to reconcile those realities, and maybe I never will.
It brings me to the idea of where would I live? If not in NYC, where would I take a chance at calling home? I have some ideas in mind but the cornerstone to them all is that I don’t have vivid memories with my "old" life in any of those places. I need somewhere new, something fresh. Despite my mom battling illness for so many years, when I go to Cippolini in the Americana for lunch, even with my sister, in 2024, I cant help but think of my times there with my mom. I can picture it, because it once was. And I am tired of having to reconcile those feelings. Its exhausting.
Summer has always been my favorite time of year. Probably because im a LEO and my birthday falls smack in the middle of August. Nobody prepares you for the day your parents no longer call you to wish you a happy birthday... this year was the first year of my life I didn't get that phone call from my dad. Granted, I was with him the day prior, and he wrote me a nice card, but the zing of not hearing from you parents on that day is not something I have been able to easily shake.
Its also the first year since im 7 or 8 years old that I didnt go to the US open with my dad. This tennis tournament has been a staple in our families life, and something we always looked forward to. Not that my dad couldnt attend, but we figured with the large crowds this year it probably wasn't a good idea. I loved the day I spent there with my sister but couldn't help but think about all the years I spent there with my dad, another life zing.
All of this I suppose is a reminder to live in the moment, and maybe a self re assurance that its ok to re write history or start somewhere new if you need to. The holidays in the fall/winter season are also times that spur up old memories of what once was, and leave me yearning to return to the good ole days one more time. Luckily my daughter is the brightest light, and this year I decided I owe it to myself to make new memories for my family. I am going to try and travel on some of holidays that make me sad, I dont enjoy going to other peoples homes, I need escapism, I need to give my brain space to dream and imagine what could be instead of missing what I once had.
I hope you all enjoy the last weeks of Summer! I know school is starting but I am offended every year that pumpkin season tries to start on September 1st. Who is pumpkins’ publicist? Seriously their marketing team is the best in the business! Let us summer babies live our last few weeks of glory!
At a time of transition for many, I hope these words bring some solace to anyone who can relate. Its sometimes really refreshing to hear from someone else, hey, you can start over, anywhere, anytime…
Be back soon!
xx
Em